


Damaged

by SpookyStar29



Series: Chocolate, Jade and Marshmallow-fluff [3]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Cuddles, F/F, Friendship, Love, painful past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:02:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23378080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyStar29/pseuds/SpookyStar29
Summary: Hollis finds out about what we all found out on 03/24/20 and she realizes the truth about her girlfriend’s past is affecting her more than she had first thought…Ik most of you are in the Slibbs universe (which I am too, of course, you know my stories) but I needed a hug and a cry and breakdown, and I only could do that with them.And I love Hollis and Gibbs, so ...
Relationships: Hollis Mann/Jacqueline "Jack" Sloane, Jethro Gibbs/Hollis Mann
Series: Chocolate, Jade and Marshmallow-fluff [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1679164
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	Damaged

**Author's Note:**

> side note: in this story, Faith went to Jack on Day One, and they met again at Day Two, just to avert confusion :)

Something was different about her. Since yesterday, something was different.

She would bet her life on it that Jack would have told her she didn’t want to see someone if they weren’t living together.

Not that that had happened before. They had had a huge fight once and Jack had gone to Leon’s for two nights. It had felt so weird since it was actually Jack’s apartment in which they were living. Both of them being army vets and used to not taking up all that much space, there had been no reason to move into something larger.

But this time it was something else.

She knew Jack was upset. Angry, even. Rattled. There were a lot of very negative emotions. Far too many for her liking.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” she had asked. A very simple question.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Had been Jack’s blunt answer. It wasn’t a very complicated answer and that had been the only thing she had said the entire evening.

_Don’t cage her._

If Hollis Mann had learned anything from being in a romantic relationship with Jack Sloane it was never to confine her.

*

The next morning was no better. The thing that surprised her was that Jack was awake much earlier than her. She didn’t even stay for coffee and was out the door while Hollis was still in her pajamas, who was left staring after her in confusion and wondering what the hell had happened since yesterday.

It was as if Jack were avoiding her.

Had she done something wrong?

She knew the answer to that.

No, because whenever something was bothering her about another person – especially if she was with a person close to her, someone she knew who could handle her straight-forwardness – she wasn’t shy in talking about it.

This was driving Hollis _crazy._

She made an impulsive decision on her lunchbreak. She shut down her computer and drove to NCIS without a second thought.

She wouldn’t cage her. Since she couldn’t get a word out of her at home, she decided to tackle the issue at the office, where Jack had the freedom to choose, where she was the one in charge. Solid ground for her, with her best friend slash big brother next door.

She arrived shortly before the agent’s own break, overly determined to find out what was wrong.

It soon became apparent that her attempt wasn’t going to work, and her plan disappeared into nothing.

“In case you’re looking for Jack, she’s not here.” Ellie Bishop’s words made her stop right as she walked by.

She gave her a confused look. “Where is she?”

“She left earlier”, Torres put in. “But don’t ask. We have no idea.”

Wow.   
This situation was getting stranger and more alarming with every minute.

She tried to hide her confusion and slight disappointment – the other agents needn’t to know everything.

“Well, in that case…” She stared at the beverage she’d brought for her girlfriend. “Does anyone want some deadly sweet black coffee?”

Ellie did. And she quickly handed over the travel mug.

She stared up, an idea creeping into her mind.

No, she couldn’t do that…

Why not? Jack could hardly open her mouth and it was worth a try.

*

She knocked on the door and was greeted with an invitation in.

“Hollis.” Surprised, Leon Vance stood and approached her.

They neither hugged nor shook hands. All they shared was a smile, friendly and open, yet reserved. It still seemed as if they were both having a hard time even though he was her girlfriend’s best friend. There still was this professional barrier between them, as if they both didn’t really know how to handle the situation …

“Hey, Leon.”

Well, maybe some when. Not now, though.

She stopped shortly in front of his desk and … fell silent. Suddenly she had no idea how to address this.   
Leon eyed her. “What can I do for you?”

She signed. “It’s about Jack.” Straight out. “She’s been… weird since yesterday. She won’t even talk to me.”

Leon’s friendly smile faltered. For a moment he stared at her as if he couldn’t quite believe her. Then, he blinked quickly. “That’s something you should ask her… she should be the one to tell you.”

“Okay,” Hollis drew out the word, becoming more confused than she already was before. “Something bad?”

The fact that Leon didn’t answer but his features darkened made her throat constrict.

She didn’t have to say another word. Both of them didn’t.   
And as she drove back to the DoD, she wondered what was going to await her …

What she didn’t know was that after this conversation, her life wouldn’t really be the same again.

*

“Can we talk?” She addressed the subject without any small talk. She was _so sick_ of this secrecy thing. Jack was in the kitchen when she arrived, occupied with anything on the counter – or just trying to make it seem like she were in the middle of doing something.

“About what?” Jack turned for a mili-second and gave her a smile, but Hollis saw right through it. It was the fakest smile she had ever pulled off.

“You know about what,” Hollis spoke softly, trying not to pressure her but also to make her understand that she couldn’t take Jack avoiding her questions any longer.

Her girlfriend didn’t answer.

And she decided, screw it. It’s now or never.

“Jack, this can’t go on like this forever!”

Jack made a snorting noise. “Yeah? Oh, believe me, I have lived with this for almost my entire life!”

Praise her selfcontrole. All she wanted to do was yell at her.   
“I don’t know what ‘this’ is, Jack!” She exhaled loudly. “For god’s sake what is so pressing for you that you’re afraid to tell _me_ , of all people?”

“Faith wanted to know who her father is.” Jack spoke as if it were a death sentence.

Hollis squinted her eyebrows. Not that Jack had ever spoken about it – she hadn’t pressed, even though it had always interested her what had made her give up her daughter – but, judging by her reaction, it couldn’t be anything good.

“A legitimate question, don’t you think?” she began.

And that was when Jack spun around, eyes wild, brimming with tears. “He raped me! Faith’s dad was a friend of mine who raped me after I had too much to drink. I thought I could trust him, but I was wrong!”

Silence. Deadly, frozen silence.   
Hollis felt as if she had just been thrown into ice water. Her blood froze, her heart clenched, lacking all power of speech.

She felt as if everything inside her was scattering into pieces. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

She had nothing to say. She _couldn’t_ say anything. Because she didn’t know what.

“Don’t tell me how sorry you feel,” Jack spit out a moment later. “That’s exactly why I didn’t want to tell anyone, because everyone would just feel pity for me and treat me like a victim.” Jack placed her hands on the kitchen counter, head bent.

Another round of silence stretched between them. It was silent for what felt like an eternity.

Slowly, very slowly, Hollis began to understand why Jack never told anyone. She could see how broken it made her feel.

“I learned to live with it,” Jack’s voice echoed in her ears. It was calm and resigned. Beaten, almost. She looked up. Hollis saw a single tear slip out the corner of her eye and roll down her face. “It’s not that what has thrown me off guard. It’s that… that Faith knows.””

Hollis was still staring at her, meeting her gaze, but suddenly it felt as if they were miles adrift, parted by some invisible force, a vacuum, a wall of glass.   
It caused her so much _pain_ she couldn’t even feel.

“I gave her away because I didn’t want her to ever find out about the truth. I never wanted her to feel like… like a mistake… a pain … as if she were the one who …” Jack slid down to the ground, her back against the counter.

 _Who damaged me._  
The glass barrier broke, and her emotions hit her. She didn’t know why she felt as if that was what Jack meant, what she wanted to say yet didn’t, because it wasn’t true.   
Faith didn’t damage her. Faith made her stronger.

Finally, Hollis could move again. She didn’t even know how she suddenly came to stand next to her. Her vision only became clear as Jack exhaled loudly, and she knelt down next to her and put her arms around her, pulling her close. Jack reciprocated gratefully, melting into her hug.

“Jack, what can I do?” Her own voice resonating sounded strangely … weak.

Jack didn’t answer, her body only indicating a shrug.  
They sat in silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She didn’t know what she felt while asking that question. She was … empty.   
It felt as if someone had just ripped her heart out.

“I couldn’t… I wasn’t ready to… to tell the person who was with me…”

Hollis swallowed. “Because we are dating?”

Jack nodded slowly, the tears still spilling down her cheeks. Silent, painful tears.

“You are a survivor.” Hollis felt tears of her own beginning to well up. “After everything that happened, you still managed to get through this with grace and a smile.” She reached over and tucked a wavy strand of blonde hair behind Jack’s ear. “You are the strongest person I know.” She pressed a kiss to her head, trying to hide her shaking breath. But the tears now overflowed, streaking the side of her face. She ran her thumb over Jack’s cheek, her soft skin, and feelt her lip tremble. “You might feel damaged. But you are loved. _You are so loved_.”

A shaky sob left Jack’s throat.   
“It’s not about what happened,” she whispered into Hollis’ embrace. “I have learned to cope with it a long time ago. It’s… it’s about Faith, now… now she knows the truth and…” Jack’s voice broke. “I tried everything to keep it from her, to shield her so she would never find out…” The words were drowned in another cry.

Hollis shifted even closer and rubbed her back.   
“I’m not going away.” The whispered words rang through the silence. Jack shivered but seemed to loosen up a bit. Hollis pressed a kiss into her hair, then to her cheek, on her forehead, and pulled her close with one hand in her neck, steading her.   
And she would stay by her side as long as she needed her to.

*

That night, as the two laid in Jack’s bed, Hollis couldn’t help but think about it again.   
Everything she had been through.

They had gotten up from the ground after what had felt like an eternity, and Jack just wiped her tears before asking her what she wanted for dinner.   
They didn’t speak about it again.   
It wasn’t strained, and that was what made Hollis wonder. How did they manage to just … get back to their normal, usual habits? Why did it feel so okay not talking about it again?

But now, in the darkness of the night, in the silence, it haunted her again. Jack was facing away from her, the blonde mess of waves covering her pillow.

Hollis clenched her jaw as she felt her tears returning.

No. She shouldn’t cry now. Not her. _She_ wasn’t in the position to cry. She didn’t have the fucking _right_ to be more put-off by this than Jack herself.

Hollis rolled to her side, reaching out and placing her hand on Jack’s hip. Her girlfriend took it only two seconds later, and the touch made her whole insides hurt. Her heart _ached_ and all she wanted to do was sob ugly, heavy tears into her neck, hold her close, and tell her no one would ever hurt her and that she would do anything she could to protect her for the rest of her life.

“It’s okay, Hollis.” Jack’s whispered words caught her ear, as if she could read her mind. _“_ I am okay. Really. It was just… memories crushing over me.”

Oh great, now Jack was comforting _her_. This was exactly what she had tried to prevent.

Hollis took a deep breath. “It’s never okay.” She nuzzled her nose into Jack’s neck. Somehow, that helped.

“You said you punched him?”, she asked a while later.

“Mhm.”

“That’s my girl.” She exhaled loudly, tightening her grip. She couldn’t almost sense the smile on Jack’s lips.

“Next time Faith and I meet… do you want to come along?” The sudden offer made her still.

Her head snapped up. “Are you… are you sure?”

That was when Jack turned her head, only so much she could catch a glimpse on her eyes. A smile was dancing across her features.   
“Why shouldn’t I?”

The offer made her smile. It made her smile so hard it almost hurt. And as Jack kissed her and shifted closer to her until they were in their favorite spooning-position – Jack being the little one, of course - it almost felt as if everything was back to normal.

Almost.

*

Work kept her busy, but not busy enough. She felt like some boiling cooking pot ready to flood.

At midday she knew she wasn’t only that – she was feeling like a volcano ready to explode.

Jack was meeting up with Ellie and Grace in the evening, and while she was happy for her, glad even, Hollis knew she couldn’t be alone, didn’t want to be alone.

So … she drove to the one person she was closest with after Jack – the one person who would understand. The person who cared about Jack almost as much as she did.

She had always felt some strange protectiveness over Jack and she had wondered herself where that came from since she knew very well Jack wasn’t one to underestimate – other than herself, she didn’t directly show what she was capable of.   
Nevertheless, Hollis knew Jack was a lot more fragile than her, and probably more fragile than she would even allow herself to think. And after what she had learned yesterday… her protective side had started to blaze.

She almost hoped she would never find out _who_ had done this to Jack, since she would do something very, very bad then.

*

As usual, the door wasn’t locked and, as usual, he was nowhere to be seen. Which meant only one thing.

Hollis smiled to herself. Some things really never changed, and she was glad for at least that consistency in her life.

She headed towards the stairs and leaned on the railing. He was in the middle of blowing away some sawdust, and she wondered how long she would be going to stand and stare – until he looked up.

He definitely seemed surprised to see her. “Hollis?”

There was a familiarity in the way he said her name, a familiar feeling that felt so different compared to when Jack said it, and yet…

“What are you doing here?”

She wanted to smile but couldn’t.   
What she was doing here? She didn’t quite know it for herself.

She started down the stairs before her feet suddenly stopped on the last step.   
She felt it. The volcano was threatening to burst. And she couldn’t help it. All of a sudden, her vision blurred.

That was when she knew this evening would end very, very emotional.

* * *

The moment she was close enough for him to see her face told him something was wrong. Very wrong.

The fact she didn’t say anything uplifting, teasing, or provocative to him, as she usually would, only contributed further to that.

“Hey.” He stepped closer, worry clouding his gaze. “What’s wrong?”

“Jack… she told me.”

He stilled. So that was what this was about.

He opened his mouth, but Hollis continued before he could say a word.   
“I realized…” She looked up, eyes brimming with tears. “I don’t know how to cope with this, Jethro.” Her voice almost broke at the end of the sentence, and the pained look in her face felt like a knife in his heart.

When he didn’t answer right away, she sat down on the stairs, elbows on her knees, face covered with her hands. She looked utterly defeated.

He sat down next to her and, without thinking, he put his arm around her. She leaned in immediately, her head against his shoulder, and took a deep breath.

“She said you’d kill him if you knew who he was?”

He nodded. “Probably.” Then he exhaled. “I dunno, Hollis. Might have done something that could piss her off indefinitely.”

“I would have helped you; you know?” Hollis wiped her eyes.

He couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “Yeah, I can see that.”

“Why her?”

Those two words made him frown. Two single words, whispered with the power of a scream, cut deep into his heart. Because she was right.

“Why is it always her? Why did she have to go through all of this?”

His heart clenched. He had wondered this a lot, too. After Jack had told him about Afghanistan, after Faith, and especially now, since he knew what had happened to her on that fateful night. It wasn’t only the truth in Hollis’ words that made him falter – it was the pain and the helplessness in her voice.

He wasn’t used to a Hollis Mann being helpless. And seeing her breaking down made the whole situation even more painful.

Usually he would run away, or just stare silently because he had nothing to say. He knew he couldn’t. Not again, not with her. He had lost her in the past because of his inability to show emotion, to talk, to try _understanding_ her.

In this moment, he could understand her so well.

Jack was his friend and his confidante. He would go through hell and back to save her. He loved her – but not in the same way Hollis did.

He could only _imagine_ what she was feeling… watching Jack sleeping softly, being close to her, trusting her with every fiber of her body, wondering why the hell the world was doing so many _horrible_ things to her, as a woman herself….

And suddenly he knew what to say.

“Hey.” He tightened the grip he had on her upper arm and turned to look at her. Somehow, she felt it and lifted her chin. He looked deep into her eyes. “What’s the real reason you are here?”

She did the same, green marbles darting over his features.

“I don’t even know,” she finally said. He didn’t rush her. All he knew was that he needed to be there for her in this moment. “It’s not that I don’t know how to treat her. I… I know. It’s just...”

“You needed someone to listen to you vent,” he finished her thought.

A nod. Then a sigh.   
“I know she doesn’t want anyone’s pity.” She withdrew from his embrace and he didn’t hold her back. “She doesn’t want to be seen as a victim. Which I understand, totally. But…” A resigned sigh. She stood up, suddenly agitated. “I can’t go on like nothing happened, Jethro. How can she expect me to just… forget about it? Pretend as though I didn’t know my girlfriend was raped at 19 and gave birth to a kid at 20! I can’t… I can’t do this.” She snorted. “And now I’m making this about myself, goddammit!”

She started pacing across the room, arms crossed, and he just sat there and watched her monologuing rage flow.

“I know life’s unfair. I know it plays horrible cards for some, but why her? What did she ever do to… to piss off whoever is controlling her life up there?” She took a deep breath, her hand sank to her chest and, for what seemed like an eternity, the room’s energy shifted, as if it built around her.   
He had seen her pissed, but he had never seen her break down like this. Something told him if there was anything that would ever make Hollis, of all people, freak out was when someone did her loved ones wrong.   
And he really, really didn’t want to witness that, even though her rage wasn’t directed at him.

She leaned backwards against his work desk and crossed her arms. For a moment she did nothing but stare into space. He didn’t know what to say… only that she spoke right out of his mind.

“She’s my Jack,” she whispered. Her voice was shaking. He saw her flick her tongue over her lips, take a deep breath, light reflecting in her tearstained eyes. “My sweet, lovely, precious honeydew. It just… it makes me sick thinking… thinking that—” Her voice lost itself in a sob.

 _My Jack_.

He didn’t even know why but that HURT. He knew _exactly_ what she meant by that.

Hollis knew she couldn’t protect Jack from her demons.

That feeling of doing anything to just spare her what had happened. Oh, he knew that feeling so well.

He had that same feeling too. Ever since he had learned about the darkness in her past, he had felt protective over her. His inner alarm started ringing whenever anything was coming close to her, because shit, she didn’t _deserve_ any of this.

No woman deserved this. But especially not his Jack.

His Jack. _Their_ Jack.

“Oh god.” Hollis covered her eyes with her hand, and a shudder riddled her body, running through her from head to toe. He was next to her within a moment, and it seemed not a second too early as she fell apart in his arms. He pulled her into a hug, not caring that her only response was to lean against him, resting her head on his chest. Her body shook with cries, sobs that echoed through the room, tears flowing from her that almost made him want to cry, too.

He didn’t know how long they were standing there, how long it took for the pain and fury to finally surprise.

He wondered how he found the strength to speak.   
“Thank you,” he murmured.

Hollis stirred in his arms. “For what?” She snuffed.

“For loving her.”

She released a shaky laugh, sounding anything but happy. When she finally spoke, her tone was biting. “Loving her didn’t save her.”

“But it could now.” Something in his words made her still and he went on, “Do you think she could ever trust a man after that? I mean trust him as much as one should with their partner?”

Hollis didn’t answer. He put his hand under her chin and lifted it up. It seemed almost amusing how the two of them had grown closer to each other after their breakup.

“I am so glad it is you she’s choosing to share her life with.”

A confusing bat of lashes. “What makes you say that?”

He actually managed to smile at the truth coming from his heart.   
“Because I know you, Hollis. I know your kindness, your strength, and your unconditional love.   
You can handle her, as well as she can handle you. I’m telling ya; you’re _exactly_ what Jack needs.”

“It’s just…” She withdrew from his embrace and leaned back on the table, both hands steady on the desk. “I don’t know if I can see her as the same person I knew before all this.”

Their eyes met. A silent, unspoken conversation seemed to start between them, a conversation only their hearts could hold.

He slowly nodded. “Thought that too. After she told me about Afghanistan. But … those situations changed her before we even knew her, Hollis. She’s still the same person you know and love. Believe me, it gets better.”

She sniffed and dwelled in silence for a moment before she gave him a look again, then smoothed his shirt. “Sorry for that.”

He shrugged. “Just an old shirt. Tear stains don’t matter.” This forced a small smile out of her. “You’re a good woman, Hollis. And the only one for Jack. That’s the best thing you can do for her.”

Finally she smiled, too.

“I don’t even think she broke down because of what happened, but because… because of Faith.”

“Which means it will fade. It brought them closer together.”

She nodded. He hoped she meant it.

Hollis stayed with him for some time, watching him work. At some point though he grew itchy at her gazing at him, so he rummaged in the drawer, took out a sandpaper and held it out to her.

She took it with a smirk and a headshake, accepted his hand as she slid of his work bench.

Just like good old times.

*

When she arrived home that night after her long conversation with Jethro she was surprised to find Jack waiting for her, having already arrived home from her evening with the girls.

“Hey. How was it?” she asked, hoping not to receive silence.

She didn’t.

On the contrary. She was awarded with a smile. “Oh, we had fun. Really. It was good timing.”

Hollis stood there smiling. “I’m glad.”

“And you went to Gibbs.” Jack tilted her head. “Am I right with what I’m thinking?”

Hollis exhaled loudly, knowing a lie wouldn’t get her anywhere. She sat down on the couch next to her girlfriend, their knees touching.   
“Jack, I… I gotta be honest with you.” She raised her head to meet Jack’s soft, brown eyes. “I respect that you don’t want to be pitied and everything, but please respect me if… if I need some time to process this.”

It took a moment for Jack to move or give anything back, but as she did, her lips twisted in understanding.   
“I would never ask you to bite down your feelings over any of this,” Jack reassured, gently taking Hollis’ hand in her own. “That’s why I love you. You are so wonderfully honest. If you need to cry, cry. I’m here for you, you know that.”

“And I am for you.” Hollis ran the tip of her tongue over her lips, forcing herself not to cry _again_. “I know I can’t change the past. But I promise I’ll do anything to shield you from any pain in the future.” She squeezed her girlfriend’s hand.

“I love you, Hollis.”

Her eyes fell close at the tenderness in those oh so meaningful words.

“Oh, Jack…” She looked up, flaming green meeting the softest, deepest brown. “I love you, too,” she whispered as they fell into a loving embrace, holding each other tightly.

That night, they fell asleep with their foreheads touching and with their hearts aligned.


End file.
